Madness

Well, it’s been several months since I last posted. Mainly because I was sans computer for about 6 months after my last laptop blew up. So much has happened since then. I turned 35. Several friends had babies (adorable babies). My Grandpa Amos died. There have been major happenings in the family that are so fucked up, so unbelievably ridiculous, that they threaten to rip my entire family apart.

And by “family” I mean my entire family. My brothers, my sisters-in-law, my best friend and her family. It’s too much to post right this minute. It’s an entire blog post on it’s own. All because one of my SILs (the one I have never liked anyway) made the worst possible decision that a married woman can make.

Things are muddling along for us here at Castle Biermann. Uncle Jimbo is still fighting with Social Security for his disability…that’s another post on it’s own. I picked up a part-time job at Sheridan’s Frozen Custard, I’m the weekend dayshift manager, and I close a couple of nights a week, too, if needed. it’s a lot of time away from my husband, but I have to do it otherwise we’ll be living in a van down by the river. And our rivers…they stink.

So…I figured now that I am back up and running with a new laptop, I would pop in here and say hi. I’ll be here more often now. I’m sure you’ll all be thrilled, lol.

**sigh**

So, I have a situation. I have an acquaintance, we’ll call them W. I’ve known W for about 3 1/2, 4 years.  W, in my uneducated opinion, is probably bipolar. He goes through these phases where he’s violently aggressive and angry (aggressive towards his workstation/computer, angry at everyone). Then he has other days where everything is great and wonderful and everyone’s his best friend. The angry days far outnumber the good ones.

W and I, we used to be pretty good friends. We hung out a lot, I got along with his then-girlfriend, we have a lot in common. And then he got engaged, and he got angry. The closer it got to his wedding, the worse he got. And once he got married, holy shit. Everything is doom & gloom and the world is shit, woe is me. And still with the anger. We are now coming up on his first anniversary, and every day is a new adventure. Nobody knows if he’s going to be happy or pissed. Everyone walks on egg shells around him so as not to set him off. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe this goes on in my daily life, but it does.

I’ve tried not to let it affect me, but it has. Yesterday was the boiling point. Thank goodness I had the afternoon off, because I needed it for mental health reasons. W screamed at me, in front of several other people, in an extremely uncalled for manner. I was so embarrassed at that moment, I didn’t know what to do. I was stunned. Speechless. If you know me, you know how rare this is.

Like I said, I let it get to me. It really caused me to not enjoy my afternoon off. My husband didn’t know what to do, because I was just not myself. I was physically shaken by the whole thing. And so I spent the evening, and as I went to sleep last night, and I thought about the entire situation. How this problem has been festering and growing for over a year. And I decided that it was time to grow a set of balls and do something about it.

So, when I woke up this morning, I made a decision. I decided that I would let him decide what kind of day we were going to have, and we would have that kind of day. I am no longer molly-coddling and tiptoeing around because “OMG it might upset Special Snowflake”. Fuck that shit. I’m done letting him bring me down. So today, when the first words out of his mouth to me were a bunch of smart ass, snarky, critical comments, I replied with the first snarky, critical words that came out of my mouth. And everyone around us dropped their jaws and just stared at me. I told him, right there, the following:

“I am tired. I am tired of always tiptoeing around you. I am tired of your attitude. I am tired of the way you treat me and everyone else. I am done with letting your anger and negativity bring me down and affect me on my time. From here on out, I am going to treat you the way you treat me. The choice is yours. We can have angry, hateful days, or we can have happy, fun days. It is 100% up to you.”

We will see what happens. I know I’m not the only one in our circle who feels like this. I just finally had enough and said something.

Accountability

So. I know I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it again, and I expect all 4 of you who follow this blog to hold me ACCOUNTABLE. I have set a goal to lose 110 lbs over the next year. I am turning 35 in just about 6 weeks, and I’m looking at it as the beginning of my new, healthy life. I had an appointment with my GP a few weeks ago, and he basically told me that if I don’t make serious, permanent changes that I won’t make it another 35 years.

He’s lucky he’s such a cute little Peruvian man, and that I am infatuated with the cuisine from his native country. Otherwise I might have sat my 220lb ass upon his tiny, South American body and crushed him.

Here are some things about me that a lot of people do not know. It’s so easy to hide behind the computer and not feel self-conscious, because nobody can see you. Nobody knows what you really look like. So here’s the best description I can give of myself.

I am 34 years old, until March 31. I am 5’2″ tall (maybe) and yes, I weigh roughly 220 lbs. I have hypothyroid, which means my thyroid doesn’t work for shit. I am always tired because of this, and my hair falls out in clumps in the shower. I have dry skin, low blood pressure, and severe Vit. D deficiency. I have sleep apnea, and I do have a CPAP, but I don’t use it like I should because the mask I currently have really hurts my nose. I had surgery on my shoulder last July. I have scoliosis. My right foot is fucked up from an injury many years ago. My vision is terrible and I’ve worn glasses since I was 7.

I know that I could have it much, much worse. The thing is, I don’t WANT it to get worse. I want to get better. I want to be a healthy person, at a healthy weight. I want to have energy. I want to feel better. I want to spend time hanging out with my brothers and their families. I don’t want to miss anything else. I’ve missed a lot because I’ve allowed my weight to hold me back.

I recently joined two different fitness groups on Facebook. I’m learning new ways to cook, and new foods to try. Methods that are healthier, and foods that are better. I’ve been doing a lot of research, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the “whole food” way of eating is probably the best for me. It’s horrifying to read the labels on foods we used to eat and realize that I have no idea what’s in like 90% of the food that used to go in my body. What makes it extra scary is that the label of ingredients on the food I feed to my cats doesn’t have one single thing on it that I didn’t recognize. My cats eat more healthfully than I do.

So. To wrap this up. I need ya’ll to help me be accountable. Tweet at me and encourage. Tweet at me and yell. Just talk me through it, because it’s going to be a long road, and it’s going to be hard. But I want to be at 115 by the time I’m 36.

I have one year.

My Inner Tree Hugger is Sad

Oh, my inner tree hugger is sad on an epic level. When I left for work this morning, I noticed that there were 2 parking spaces (good ones, too) that had signs in front of them saying that the cars would need to be moved from those spaces by 8am tomorrow morning. I was curious, but not so curious as to call the leasing office and ask what was up.

I think I figured it out tonight. As I was walking in the courtyard towards my apartment, I noticed that all four trees in our courtyard have blaze orange tape wrapped around their trunks. Marked for removal. And that makes me so sad. Part of the appeal of this apartment is having those trees there. They are old, tall, beautiful oak trees. They provide a lot of shade in the summer time, and they attract a lot of critters, which my cats enjoy watching during the day. In the winter, they get a coating of snow on them, and they’re just so pretty. We have songbirds that hang out in them.

My husband reminded me that when we first moved into this apartment, he was told by the head of maintenance that they had plans to re-do the courtyard area, remove the old railroad-tie retaining walls and replace them with stone.

**sigh** I’m really going to miss those trees.

And here I am…

…firmly ensconced in the joy of January. I’ve been sick since before Christmas, and the stupid weather here in the breadbasket of the nation can’t make up it’s fucking mind what it wants to do. One day it’s 70, the next day it’s 23F and snowing and the city is gridlocked because MODOT totally dropped the ball and didn’t pre-treat the roads with brine & beet juice like they should have. But that is neither here nor there.

Here we are, mid-January of a new year. We’ve already spent $500 toward our health insurance deductible, lol. Jimbo had to get a CT on Thursday, in preparation for his 6-month post-op appointment with Dr. Coordes – the cardiothoracic surgeon who has now saved his life twice.

Other than that, so far it’s been quiet in Biermanville. I don’t really have anything to report, which is good, I suppose. I have a doctor’s appointment in two weeks to discuss my thyroid issues, which are not getting better, and instead are slowly getting worse. I got my hair cut today, finally got bangs again. I like them, for now.

I have a cake in the oven and some buttercream frosting to make, so I better skedaddle. But I felt like I should at least come in and say hey…

Holiday blahs

Yeah, I get the blahs every year at this time. Christmas is so depressing when you have no money, ya know?

I’m trying to focus on the fact that the holiday season is about spending time with family and friends, being thankful for what we do have, and celebrating the coming year. Each year, I hold such high hopes for the next one. And each year, I keep getting kicked in the balls.

I’m also trying hard to focus on the positives in my life. I have an awesome family, with supportive parents, a great stepmom, gorgeous and healthy nieces and nephews. I have an amazing husband, and good in-laws. Yeah, they’re a little bit nuts, but it could be so much worse. I have friends who have in-laws that would make me want to kill myself if I had to put up with them.

My friends, my REAL friends, are fantastic people. They’ve shown me so much love and support this past year. I’d be so lost without them. And then there are my “stranger friends”. The friends I’ve made by joining a certain online community. These men & women literally made Christmas for myself and another community member. I’ve only met a few of them in person, but they’ve all had great impact on my life.

So, I guess really, I shouldn’t feel so sorry for myself. I have a roof over my head. I have a vehicle to get me to and fro. No, it’s not a brand new car, but it’s a sturdy one and I really do enjoy driving it. My husband is great, my marriage is great. We have three cats, indoor plumbing, and central heat/air conditioning.

I just wish I could buy Christmas presents. And a pair of shoes for myself that don’t have a hole in the sole.

Tryptophan Coma

Today was a good day. It was the first time in a LONG time that we were able to go spend Thanksgiving with family. Usually I have to work early on Black Friday, but this year I took a vacation day, and we made it a point to visit this year.

We had late lunch at my dads, two turkeys (each with a different stuffing), and all of the usual delicious side dishes. Pies, cookies, etc. After a few hours out there, we headed to my Aunt Judy’s. My Uncle Tom & his partner, Dan, are in town for the holidays, and I hadn’t seen either of them in almost 4 years. My grandma’s funeral was the last time I had the chance to see them.

I had more fun tonight with Aunt Judy & Uncle Ted, Uncle James, Uncle Tom & Dan, and my mom & my husband. I laughed until I cried, I learned a lot about my family, we had good bonding experiences, and I heard my Aunt Judy say the word “fuck”, lol.

I hope that you and yours had a fantastic Thanksgiving (assuming you’re an American, or in America) and that you thoroughly enjoyed your day!